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August Reflection - Two things coexisting at once

As August comes to an end and September opens with the breath of a new beginning I am once again reminded of the importance of self-care and nourishment. Through listening to our bodies, tending to our own garden, and refilling our own cup, we make the space within ourselves where we can show up courageously, compassionately, authentically, and from a space of vitality and personal Truth. This lesson is one that I have conceptually understood for many years, though it is only now that I am comprehending how to integrate this knowing even more deeply into my own body, life, and actions.

Early last week, as I reviewed the tasks that were to be tended to, emotions of anxiety and overwhelm began showing up in my body. As I observed these emotions arise, I heard a voice tell me Just set it all down, take a step back, breathe, and relax. It will be here when you come back, and you will be better able to tend to it when calm and relaxed. I have heard this request many times before, but the old me used to completely ignore this advice and trudge through whatever tasks needed tending to while filled with stress and anxiety, thinking that somehow not getting everything done would be the end of me. However, this time things were so very different. I put my work down and tended to my own garden. I rearranged my schedule and took a few things off my to-do list that really could wait. I surrendered to the moment knowing that just as it always does, everything would get done. By making room in my schedule for me to feel my emotions and honor my body, I was able to recognize the depth at which I have changed and I was able to feel how I was holding the space within my body for two things to coexist at once.

You see, for many years of my life, this time of the year, the end of August and beginning of September, signified not only the excitement of a new semester, the arrival of the Fall Holidays, and even my own birthday, but also the vicious crashing of tidal waves as my world was often torn apart. When I was younger, the fall and winter were always the most challenging for my father and thus my family. As a teen and young adult, this time signified some of my darkest hours as I searched for the courage to free me and my children from the suffering of their father. As I have gotten older and my children have been in school, and I have spent what felt like a lifetime in school, this time also signified the return to school and an almost guaranteed increase of 50-100% in my workload. This time has long held this dual energy of excitement and fear while holding space for a feeling similar to preparing for an exhausting and sometimes failed marathon race.

This year, however, so much is different. The person I am today is not the same person I was last year, nor the years before. As I sit in this moment and feel into the time ahead, I am called to recognize how far I have come and how I am holding the space for two things to simultaneously coexist within me at once. Just as one month ends, and another begins.

As I hold the space for the habitual feelings associated with this time of the year as they arise, I can now look objectively at these emotions and know that so much has changed and by surrendering to what is, these emotions naturally fade away. I understand from deep within my being that this time is no longer buried in residual fear and pain from childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, but instead, this time is a memento for all that I have been through, surpassed, and cleared. This is a time of embracing each moment as it is and as it comes, for being where I am, and for accepting myself as I am. This time is no longer the beginning of an exhausting marathon where I will be pummeled with waves of work and stress. No, instead this is a time of surrender and celebration for all that I have braved and courageously released.

So much is different now. So much has changed.

And now for my Grande announcement. As you may know, I have been working on a Ph.D. for the past three years and in January I heeded the call of my soul and took a leave of absence (LOA 😉) from my program. I gifted myself with this very important time that I devoted to service, self-care, and nourishment. This allowed me to decide whether I was to continue my program from a space of love and compassion for my soul and personal path.

Over summer break, I received very clear guidance from Spirit that I had come as far within the program as I was ever meant to go and that my path was to now take a turn and head off in a different direction. I made this choice and as things do, everything began to perfectly line up and unfold to make transitioning out of the Ph.D. program smooth and easy. With my decision made and my advisor's full support, we were able to shift my program area and degree and it is with great pleasure and honor that I get to announce to you that I will be graduating in December with a second Master's (the Ceremony won’t be until May if anyone wants to attend 😉). Though I will continue teaching my physics course at the University until I am signaled that it is time for me to leave that behind.

This decision once made was obviously the right choice and the one I was meant to make all along. I know in my heart that I never came to the University for a Ph.D., but instead, I came for all the lessons and experiences I have had. I came because it was an entry point into this new path that I am on now. I came because the Universe had different plans for me, and this was the way I chose to become open to them. I came to learn more about myself and to better understand how I am being called to be of service and express my passion for helping and teaching others. I came to Authentically Embrace who I truly Am. Even though this knowing is clear, what this decision has also brought up in me is a feeling of grief, a loss, or death, of who I once was or rather who I thought I was supposed to be. While the grief is present, I am simultaneously holding space for the liberation and joy I feel for making this choice. I am holding space for excitement about my future and the vision of who I aspire to be. I am holding space for the old me to grieve and let go, while the new me embraces the future and the Abundance it holds. I am holding space for these two things to coexist within my body and field at once. And as I hold this space, I feel the old me shedding away and the new me coming more deeply into bloom. As I hold space for myself to experience and be without judgment, I am even more aware of how much things have changed. By being graceful with myself, honoring what my body is asking from me and what the collective field and path in front of me are calling me to do, I can live more freely from a space of Trust and Peace.

As I transcend this new time and feel my body, field, and mind evolving and shifting I am grateful for so much. I am grateful beyond words for the path that I am on. I am grateful for all the lessons and experiences that I have had since I moved to Colorado. I am grateful for being able to attend such an amazing University. I am grateful for all the beautiful souls I have been able to call students over the last few years. I am grateful for an amazing Advisor and friend who has supported me throughout this journey. I am grateful for my family and friends who have supported my every move. And I am oh so grateful for each one of you who is a part of this community and field of love.

As I hold this space within my own body and field, I am aware of how important this concept is within our daily world where it feels that there are always two competing choices and if you make one it automatically pins you against another. Or if you feel one way, it means you should or cannot feel another. So, this message is an invitation to see where you can hold space within your own world for two things to coexist, for both sides to be right, for both experiences to be valid, and for both emotions to exist.

Well, my darling friend that is all for now, until next time, may we meet in the quantum field.

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May 22, 2022

I love this so much!! Life is all about balance. <3

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